just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
