Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
