Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize