They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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