Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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