im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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