Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
