You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
