he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
