Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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