Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
