True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
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