my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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