I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
