Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
