I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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