Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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