She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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