are you still at the devil's house?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
