There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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