btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
