Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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