Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
