I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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