she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
