she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
