oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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