i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
