Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
