i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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