who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
