Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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