i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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