I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
