So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
