i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
As shirtless as possible
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize