I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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