Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
