Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
