I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
