he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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