does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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