I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
