if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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