in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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