Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
