I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
