Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
