I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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