i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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