Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
