Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
