I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
