He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
