she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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