So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
