so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
