If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
