I wish I could teleport
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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