he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
