How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
